On June 8, 2017. When I woke up the thought that was in the back of my mind was that my period was 10 days late. (I’ve never been more than 5 days late) but I brushed the thought aside and got ready for the day. After taking Persephone on a walk I decided to pull out a pregnancy test, one that had been in my drawer for months. I peed on the stick and waited the two minutes before looking at it. I was shocked at what I saw on the little screen. The word Pregnant stared up at me. I thought “we’re having a baby”.
And then I burst into tears.
Not the happy tears that I’d anticipated for months. I swore and cried harder. After a year of trying/not trying, after months of crying in secret when my friends posted about their own pregnancies, wasn’t I supposed to be excited? Wasn’t this what I wanted? But I wasn’t happy. I’d decided in May that I’d go back on birth control and focus on school, and partly because getting my period every month was starting to weigh me down.
All day at work my only real thought was I’m pregnant. Crap I’m pregnant. As I was grocery shopping later that day I put another test into my cart, I had to be sure. When I got home Griffin told me about his day and I took the second pregnancy test. Through my tears, I held up the two positive pregnancy tests and said: “Griffin, my period isn’t coming.” His first response was “well that was a lame way to tell me.” And in all honesty, it was, but I had no idea how I was feeling about being pregnant and he needed to know. Maybe with our next baby, I’ll tell him in a cute way 😉
“Morning” sickness hit me hard about two weeks later. I was nauseous almost all day every day. I threw up several times a week and was feeling pretty miserable. This is when we told our parents they’d be grandparents. Oh the joy and the excitement they had for us. It helped me feel more excited because at this point I was still struggling a lot with the timing and being so sick.
Getting excited about having a baby.
It’s amazing how quickly the pregnancy has gone for me. I told my family and my coworkers and some friends. But I knew we’d wait for while before posting about it. I started showing around 17 weeks. Around that time I had friends who were announcing their pregnancies that were due after me. But I didn’t care. These moments have been ours, and for once, the whole world didn’t need to know everything.
Griffin and I both feel excited about this little girl who will be joining our family.
I don’t know how to explain the whirlwind of emotions that I felt that day when I saw the word pregnant staring up at me. Or the weeks that followed, or even when the dread turned into gratitude and excitement. In the back of my mind I’ve often thought of women who are trying desperately to get pregnant, who have miscarriages, and here I was, unhappy with this healthy child growing inside of me.
I hadn’t expected to feel that way. But I don’t feel that way anymore. As I watch my belly grow, as I feel her move inside of me, I am in awe at the miracle of life. I am grateful that Griffin and I have the opportunity to be parents.
Our baby girl will join us early February (or in January if I’m anything like my mom). We couldn’t wait to share the good news with you. 🎀