Last Friday night we hit the streets (well Center Street) in Provo with our friend Chiara to go to dinner and start the weekend. We walked around some of the little shops before eating and to be honest, there were so many places I didn’t know we had in Provo!
We had some really great Italian food, then tried a new cookie dough place for dessert. While we were in the cozy little cookie dough shop, we got talking. Life is hard. Bad things happen. We aren’t happy all of the time. Then Griffin brought up how our pain and sorrowful experiences are just like physical growing pains.
They make us feel uncomfortable and they hurt, but in the end, when we look back and see where we are, it was all worth it. Because joy does come in the morning (whether that means tomorrow or next year or in ten years) that joy will come into our lives. We also talked about how when we change our perspective, we can find joy even amid the growing pains. It’s something I’m still thinking about and pondering how I can actually apply it and change my own perspective.
Bedtime/nighttime has been my least favorite part of this part of the pregnancy. I’m not as big as I’m going to get, but I’m feeling huge and uncomfortable at night. Baby V likes to move around and I’m awake at odd hours, praying for sleep because I’m so exhausted. These are the moments, at three in the morning, when I start to feel overwhelmed. I cry as I think about being a mom. About Griffin needing to find a job. Wondering where that job will be, and when we’ll have to move if it’s out of state. My thoughts spiral and I cry and feel like I can’t do it at all. Typically though, if I eat something or calm down enough to sleep more, I feel better once morning actually rolls around.
Yesterday though, when it was finally time for me to get up at 7:30, I’d already been awake for three hours. Griffin asked “are you okay?” before he left, and through my tears, I said, “no, I’m so tired.” But I made it through another day and another night.
I’m grateful for this baby. I feel as though every day I see or hear about women who are struggling with infertility or miscarriages. My heart aches for those women. I pray for them. In my hard moments I realize that their hard moments don’t make my pregnancy any easier, but every day I’m grateful when I feel Baby V moving. I’m grateful even when she seems to be dancing on my very full bladder. And when I have to squat awkwardly to pick up something off the ground. I am grateful, even though this moment isn’t my favorite. Every day I continue to look for the good amid the struggles and the pains.
I keep thinking about that conversation we had Friday night, about growing pains. This week hasn’t been the easiest (and it’s only Wednesday) but I’m smiling, and sleeping when I can.