When we moved to Colorado, I was honestly expecting our baby girl to make her entrance any day. As the weeks (already it’s been weeks!) have passed and still no baby, I’ve really started to think about God, life, and motherhood. While I’m so excited to meet her, watch her grow, and build a relationship with her, I am so glad that right now I have two hearts beating inside of me.
I always wondered what being pregnant would feel like, and even now as I’m experiencing it, I can’t put it into words. My body aches. My emotions are wild. A few days ago before bed, I prayed “God, please let this (pregnancy) be over soon.” And even though there are parts of childbirth that freak me out, I’ve had so many moments where I’m just ready to be done.
Ready to not have to pee every 15 minutes.
Ready to sleep comfortably (on my back… I miss that so much!)
Ready to have my body back.
Ready to be able to breathe normally.
But then, even with all the things that I don’t love about being pregnant, my mind keeps going back to the early weeks of pregnancy when I had an experience that I don’t think I’ll ever forget.
I’d spent the day at home, having been hit hard with morning sickness and was supposed to be going to therapy. I made it about halfway there before I broke down. I didn’t want to be pregnant anymore. How were we going to be parents? Were we even going to be able to do this financially? How could I handle taking care of a baby when I could barely function on some days? I cried and cried and cried (in a random gas station parking lot.) I screamed and yelled at God, and to be honest, it was the first time in a long time that I’d actually tried talking to Him.
My heart was still heavy and full of anger because of my past abuse and because of all the things I still dealt with on a daily basis because of my PTSD. Then, I’d decided to go to school and get back on birth control, when, surprise surprise, I found out I was pregnant. I felt as though my life was falling apart, I felt like I’d been abandoned by God.
That’s when an overwhelming calm passed over me, and I heard the words
This baby is going to be the best thing that’s happened to you.
I still hadn’t heard a heartbeat and I had so many fears about the things that could go wrong with the pregnancy. I had so many doubts and worries about becoming a mom. My life was/is about to change and I wasn’t excited. I was less than enthusiastic. My heart was so heavy.
But these words hit a nerve and started to calm my troubled soul.
As time passes I continue to wonder what my life will be like once our baby joins our family, what motherhood will be like. I’ve always liked kids, but only in small doses and for shorts amount of time. Everyone says that it’s different when it’s your own baby, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed for that to be true. In some ways, I have always wanted to be a mom, and in other ways, I wanted to run away from that responsibility.
Even though pregnancy is hard, and I know that motherhood is going to be the hardest thing I’ve done so far in my life, I’m grateful for this opportunity. My heart is full when I feel her move inside of me, and it aches for the women who are trying so hard to have babies but can’t. I’ve got a healthy baby inside of me, a little girl who we’ll be meeting so so so soon and I know that she really will change my life.
She’s supposed to come now.
All of my worries and fears about the pregnancy disappeared after a blessing that Griffin gave me one night. That blessing gave me the peace and comfort I was seeking. The entire theme of the blessing was about how God is in control. (Of my life and the pregnancy) I needed to let go of my worries, fears, and simply trust.
Trusting God is so hard for me. But life with God is so much better than a life without Him.
I knew that I needed to trust Him. God loves us, each of us. He knows us individually. He knows our fears and concerns as well as our joys and comforts. God is truly our Father. And even though His way doesn’t always make sense, it’s always better when we give ourselves to Him.
Even though I’ve still had plenty of moments where my prayers have been why God? Why this? Why now? and help me to get through… and still some angry prayers. I’m learning to trust Him, day by day. That moment in my car when my tears of anger turned to tears of peace was when everything started to change.
Already this baby has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. She led me back to God when I needed Him most. And I can’t wait to see what else she brings into our lives.